a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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