I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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