I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
