we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
