I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
