they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Randomize
