Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
