2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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