don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
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he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
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Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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