ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
