Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize