the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
