Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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