hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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