I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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