I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
we should paint friendship bongs
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
