They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
