life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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