we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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