You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
