her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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