Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
