please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Randomize
