Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
