Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I have feelings that need drinking.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Randomize
