Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
