I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
