maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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