How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I believe in your delicious
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
