I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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