fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize