he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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