"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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