This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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