Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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