can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I think I just shit out all my problems.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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