New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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