Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i will never coherently bang her
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
