having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
