Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
