I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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