She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
