okay pat passed out under dana's car
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
