God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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