My room smells like vodka and shame
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
