I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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