Plan B is the new Plan A
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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