Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
