i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
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There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
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I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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