I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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