covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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