So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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