Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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