I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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