I wish I could punch you in the face.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
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