New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
she looked like the before picture.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
